Born This Way
by The Taloned Merlin
Summary: They call him 'monster' and 'demon' and 'inhuman'.


A/n: Just a (very) random drabble on Kanda's feelings.

Disclaimer: I do not own DGM.

Born This Way

It doesn't taste good.

The blood, that is. And whatever else that sometimes comes up along with it, though he'd rather not dwell on it; he has his mission to keep his mind on (_it reminds him of the way he would sometimes see his entrails slip out of his belly during Innocence testing_).

It tastes metallic, like Mugen may, if he would ever be stupid enough to place that merciless blade on his unsuspecting tongue (_not that he hasn't felt his tongue being torn asunder before_). Like Mugen, it is a part of him, so he has to cherish it, but like Mugen, it is ugly when it bursts from his skin the way the sword slips quickly from its sheath at his hip.

During their missions Kanda threatens and glares and snaps at his comrades, and they call him _monster_ and _demon_ and _inhuma__n_. It doesn't matter. He's had worse terms hurled at him, and it's not like they're entirely wrong, anyway (_he's long since accepted that he's got an artificial body that sprang from a hole in the ground, and it's a disgusting notion, either way; so he keeps it to himself_). He is not meant to be with them; he is beneath them. He was born (_he was fashioned_) to kill. He can't let himself be human.

They wonder why he is apathetic towards their obvious hurts: a shattered leg, a blood-stained brow, a heart consumed with guilt and fear. He turns an indifferent eye to all of them (_he's survived far worse, so he knows they'll get over it_).

And they get confused when he so readily sacrifices his wellbeing for them. He looks at their awed expressions and scoffs (_he knows the raw, wild feeling that comes with death, has felt it a thousand times over: a plague on his neck if he wishes it upon his comrades!_).

He says he hates the _moyashi_ for wearing that artificial smile, that pathetic mask, yet he wears one himself and it has become almost impossible for him to crack it. He is a hypocrite, and therefore a liar (_but his whole life was a lie, so how could he learn honesty, which was never shown to him save by..._). And Kanda despises himself for being one.

Kanda does not like to be called by his first name. Lavi teases him, says it's because the name Yuu is confusing to any English speaker, and that it can be used for either gender, and that Kanda must be ashamed of these facts. Every time, Kanda glares, catches him by the collar and tells him to shut up (_because Yuu killed his best friend, but Kanda has no such burden_).

He is not meant to love, to care for anything that is not the Order. It is easier to act, so he acted like Alma annoyed him (_he did, though, which made the acting far easier_) and he acted like he felt little for him (_lies, lies, lies_), and not even Marie discerned the tears he shed for him.

Kanda is not self-sacrificing. He is not like that _moyashi_, who openly empathises with pretty much anything that breathes, who offers his affection so freely, so generously. So when people call Kanda a pitiless bastard, he reminds himself it was his choice to never speak of Alma (_the Order commanded it be hushed up anyway_), and of the way he promised himself he would not allow himself to be happy without that scruffy boy with eager, coal-black eyes. Because he had thought, fleetingly, as he dragged Marie through claustrophobic ventilators...he had thought...(_he__ had thought they could live together as inseparable brothers, and he would never again hesitate to display his feelings to him. Their house may have been small, they may have had to go hungry a few times, but that would have been fine, neither of them were fussy, and Kanda didn't need or want anyone else, he'd even give up that woman if he could have Alma alive...). _

He keeps silent, because it's easier. Because if he talked, there would be questions – questions he had no desire to answer. He is not like the others, who speak unabashedly of their feelings – cannot afford to be like them. If the _moyashi_ speaks of his past, there are coos and appropriate sounds of sympathy. If Kanda dares open his mouth, there will be severe and likely bloody consequences, and he doesn't want to risk it just for a concerned and teary glance; he can't stand pity anyway. He has always been quiet, so that makes it simpler (_though sometimes he wonders what it would be like to share a room again)._

Kanda maintains a distance from everyone. When they ask why he is cold, he says he doesn't need them. Because depending on others is a sign of weakness.

(_Because if I lose you, what will I do?_).

End.

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Usually, I'd ask you to review, but I don't think this is my best, so meh.


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